Drunken Pretzels

Yes.  This.

Tipsy carbs.

 We are returning to our alma mater this weekend to celebrate Homecoming.  We've only missed one year since graduating a few* years ago.  A bunch of us come together and rent a place a few miles away.  Some years new people join the group and some years a few old friends can't make it.  But, there are lots of stories, laughing our buns off, catch-up times, drinking games of yore and generally acting as if we are twenty again.  Except our little group has produced 8 - 10 babies within the past four or so years.  Damn.  Which means for the past few years, we are guaranteed a designated driver.  We usually out the preggos right away by having shots and whomever doesn't sit on the shot couch up for mucho speculation.  And the kids have pretty much all been babies up 'til now, so this year will be interesting with a few preschoolers and toddlers in the mix.  We look forward to this weekend alllllllllllllllll year long.

Anyway, to the point.  A few months ago I found a random recipe for drunken pretzels and made them (and boozy bears) for a girls' weekend.  The boozy bears were a bit much for us, but the drunken pretzels were quite a hit.  Easy peasy.

You need:
16 oz. bag of pretzels (shape of your choice) (I use snaps because the grid holds in all of the deliciousness, but the OG recipe calls for regular mini pretzels).
1/2 cup of butter, melted
3 tablespoons of whiskey
3 tablespoons of brown sugar
1 teaspoon of cayenne (this makes them SPICY, I usually half this with paprika)
1 teaspoon of garlic powder

Do it:
Preheat oven to 250 degrees.  Combine the melted butter, whiskey, brown sugar, cayenne and garlic into a small bowl.  Place pretzels on baking sheet.  Pour butter mixture over the pretzels and toss to coat.  Place in preheated oven and bake for 10 minutes.  Toss and bake for an additional 10 minutes.  Devour.

Mmmmmmmmm.  Perfect sweet, salty, spicy snack.

Tell me about more delicious treats you serve on crazy weekend get togethers.  Send good wishes that the babies sleep until (or past!) 8:00 am.  Soak in the beauty of a small town in the fall.  So excited!

*few may or may not equal ten or more

Making the Police Log

So, some days I think that you should have to be issued a license to be an adult in the functioning world.  Mostly I think this applies to other people, but occasionally (ok, weekly) I think that person may be me.  Remember that time my pants fell off in public?  Well this week I totally felt up a stranger.  I was at the pretentious asshole grocery store (my husband's name for it) (no, not that one, the other one) (you better not even be thinking about my beloved Trader Joe's!) and was trying to think of a good side to go with Crockpot BBQ Beer Chicken.  I settled (as I usually do with sides) on sweet potato fries, then decided to get waffle fries, since it seems to a shape that appeals to my three year old.

First prob, there were only two bags left of sweet potato waffle fries (uhh, these obvs need an abbreviation, how 'bout we go with SPWF).  Second prob, they were pushed way way way back in the freezer.  And I'm a shortie.  I just could not reach the fries. Third *imagined* prob, you are thinking now I should buy sweet potatoes and make my own.  Which I do sometimes, but not the amount of work I was going for today.  I will carry on now.  So I used my honed problem solving skills and poked my fingers up through the bottom of the shelf to try and drag the bag.  This did not work for varying, boring reasons.  Then I tried standing on the edge of the freezer and reaching in, to Squish's delight, she thought this was hysterical.  But I still at least five inches short.  After that, I looked around the aisle trying to find a stick-like object to drag the SPWF towards me.  Being in the freezer section you can imagine the dearth of stick-like objects.  I thought about boosting Squish up into the freezer to grab them, but I don't think you are supposed to stick your children in public freezers.  (Obvious joke, put down your phone.)

So I did what short people do in these situations.  No, not jumping wildly, hoping for traction and trying to reach, but looking around for a tall person.  Preferably an employee of the grocery store.  When this magical employee did not appear after a few moments I started eying a taller woman at the other end of the aisle.  Eying might be too generous of a word, because at some point she make eye contact with me and mouthed "Sorry" because she thought she was in my way.  I was flat out staring.  She was still at the other end of a 30-foot grocery aisle (not to scale because I still find numbers scary {sorry Mrs. Rowe, you tried} and am not sure how long the actual aisle is.  I would have had to project loudly to have a conversation.)  Ok, refocusing...NOW.  As she got closer I kept peeking and making shy smiles.  Squish turned on her cutest gummy grin face.  When she got close enough she said hi and I started with the verbal diarrhea.  "Oh my gosh, I am so sorry, can I ask you a big favor, I am soooo short and can't reach the SPWF, do you think you could get me a bag????**"  She chuckled and said sure.  I pointed them out, she reached in and easily grabbed a bag.  Story over right?  Job accomplished, good deed done?  Nope!  I even managed to mess this part up.  I reached out for the bag too quickly (no, I didn't push her into the freezer) and overreached.  As I grabbed my bag of fries, I BRUSHED BOTH HANDS DOWN THIS WOMAN'S CHEST.  Yes.  I felt her up.  Well, down.  I felt her down.  A look of shock rolls across this woman's face.

I turned scarlet, grabbed the fries, thanked her profusely and quickly turned away to retreat before she called the grocery store SVU.  I also forgot my grocery cart with my daughter in it.  She laughed again, a beautiful musical laugh, and pushed my cart to me.  She seemed to think the entire exchange was funny and didn't seem to be too disturbed by our sudden jump to second base.  After thanking her again, I started going the opposite way through the store (through aisles I had already covered) so we didn't do that awkward pass thing down every aisle.  Between that and Squish letting my shopping list blow away on the wind in the parking lot before we went in, it took me two hours to do my grocery shopping.  Seriously, I need to a license to have general public interactions.  I did see her at the check-out.  She pointed to me, waved, and turned to talk to a man with her.  At some point during her conversation with him, she gestured up to her chest.  Sigh.

Ok, spill your most embarrassing stories.  Or at least the most embarrassing thing that happened to you this week.

**you know its serious when I use quadruple punctuation!

Mix Masta Sara

I've made some yummy things over the past few weeks which I want to tell you about, but today I tackled a super-easy trail mix.  I stay far far away from most things labeled trail mix because I am allergic to tree nuts.  I CAN eat peanuts, but not pecans, almonds, walnuts, hazelnuts, etc.  Even my mother doesn't always remember this, but after years with dealing with this allergy I've gotten pretty good at it. 

But sometimes I would like a trail-mix like snack.  For awhile I was mixing honey sesame sticks from Trader Joe's with wasabi peas and this was heavenly.  Slightly sweet, a little spicy and salty.  Almost perfection...until Trader Joe's stopped carrying the honey sesame sticks.  The regular sesame sticks don't have quite the same attraction.

 Anyway, somewhere in the interwebz this past week I saw a fall-themed trail mix, but of course it was loaded down with walnuts.  I decided to let this inspire my own walnut-less mix.  I started out shopping for caramel bits, cinnamon chips, and dried apple slices.  Then I couldn't find caramel bits.  So here is what my snack mix ended up with - dried granny smith apple slices (I have a dehydrator and will make my own next time), cinnamon chips, toffee roasted peanuts (I got toffee bits when I couldn't find caramel bits, then I saw these peanuts and decided to kill two birds with one stone), roasted pumpkin seeds and orange cranberries from TJs.  If you were trying to do no-nut at all you could do pretzels to get your salty in.  Or the pumpkin seeds are pretty salty, you might not even need to replace the peanuts.  You could also certainly use Craisins if orange cranberries aren't your thing or you don't have a Trader's nearby.  The only thing I did in to prepare, other than pouring everything in a large container, was to break up the apple rings a bit to make the size more uniform with the other ingredients.  Seems to make a better mouthful.  And I put the entire bag of cinnamon chips in and that seems a little crazy in hindsight.

So go forth and make autumn-inspired trail mix and tell me what you would put in there.  I'll admit it was hard to leave any sort of chocolate out, but I didn't want to completely override the other flavors. 

I've Got One Hand in Many Pockets

Just a quick question for anyone who is the main laundry do-er in their house.  Just how much responsibility falls on the laundry do-er to check pockets?  So, just askin', if your spouse/partner/roommate/family regularly wears cargo pants x several pairs of pants per load that is a lot of damn pockets.  Just sayin'.  Maybe you should check your own pockets before you take the pants off.  Some people are focusing their laundry energy on not washing crayons, tissues and/or wayward children.



P.S. - Ok, I know this is a lame post back after disappearing for six weeks, but dipping the toes in, we'll be back.

For Perusal Purposes

Just finished a week of mom and two weekends of guests (which totally kicked ass) (but left me a bit tuckered out) ('cause we stay up all night and dang it, the kids still want to get up and eat in the morning), so I thought I would share a list of cassette tapes I found in my apparently never-ending quest to go through all of my schtuff from my childhood.  Just in case you need some ammo to make fun of me, here is a list of what I've found so far, divided into nifty categories for you:

I Have No Memories of These, Maybe They Belong to My Parents?:

• Heart - Brigade
• Henry Lee Summer - I've Got Everything
• Foreigner - Agent Provocateur
• Somewhere in Time - a soundtrack?
• Michael Bolton - The One Thing - pleaseletthisbemoms, pleasepleaseplease

Bought for One Song:

• Will To Power - Baby I Love Your Way
• Bryan Adams  - So Far So Good - Summer of '69.  Just kidding, clearly this was for Everything I Do.  I was obsessed with Robin Hood and probably saw it three times in the theater.  I was too young to drive so someone's mom was "suffering" right along with me.
• Richard Marx - Repeat Offender - Right Here Waiting 

Singles, Probably Didn't Have Enough $$ To Buy Whole Album:

• Paula Abdul - Straight Up
• Paula Abdul - Cold Hearted
• Snap - Rhythm is a Dancer
• Keedy - Save Some Love
• Glenn Medeiros featuring Bobby Brown - She Ain't Worth It
• Amy Grant - House of Love
• Billy Ray Cyrus - don't make me say it
• Shanice - I Love Your Smile
• Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch - Wildside
• Ini Kamoze - Here Comes the Hotstepper
• Xscape - Understanding
• Lisa Loeb - Stay

Whole Albums, Probably Choreographed Dances to Most of the Songs:

• MC Hammer - Please Hammer Don't Hurt 'Em - U Can't Touch This.  'Nuff said.
• Richard Marx - Hazard - who grows up in a small town and doesn't want out?
• Starship - Knee Deep in the Hoopla - This is the cassette with the song Sara on it, so I had at least seven copies at one point, teenage boys thinking they were being original
• Boyz II Men - Christmas Interpretations
• Whitney Houston - Whitney Houston
• Today's Hot Movie Hits - I Will Always Love You, Unchained Melody, A Whole New World, Everything I Do, Dances with Wolves theme, Beauty and the Beast theme, My Girl theme, Unforgiven theme, Can't Help Falling in Love With You (these were performed by a cover band.  I don't think I ever realized that) (until just now)
• Madonna - I'm Breathless - Dick Tracy was one of the first movies I got to see sans parental units 
• Paula Abdul - Forever Your Girl - I had a bit of a thing for Paula
• Color Me Badd - CMB
• En Vogue - Funky Divas - can you tell I am finally getting fundage from somewhere to buy my own music?
• Bobby Brown - Don't Be Cruel
• Miami Sound Machine
• Young Guns II
• and the ultimate tape, that I knew the words to every single song although I had NO IDEA what most of them meant - George Michael - Faith

And of course my NKOTB oeuvre:

• NKOTB - Hangin' Tough (x2)
• NKOTB - Merry Merry Christmas
• NKOTB - Step by Step

Mix Tapes:

• Kathryn's Late '80's tape that seems to feature Wham, Mr. Mister, Kenny Loggins, U2 and more - I have no idea who Kathryn is
• Commercials - uhh, had to learn how to tape from the radio somehow
• Love Will Find A Way - from unrequited boy crush
• Real Love I - Side A - I Don't Have the Heart, Side B  - How Can I Fall - these came from a boooooyfrieeeeeend
• Real Love II - Side A - Real Love, Side B - My Lovin'
• Dazzy Duks - Knockin' Boots, Whoop! Dazzey Duks, Hot Sex, One Last Cry, Weak, Freak Me, Slam, etc

I really should be ashamed of these, but come on, it was the late '80s and early '90s.  I don't have the heart.

Hiatus

Mom in town, too busy enjoying her spoiling her grandchildren to get any thoughts out.  Be back soon.  Mwah!

Face it girls, I'm older and I have more insurance.

So I'm definitely not a food blogger, mostly because I don't have enough patience to take beautiful pictures of the results, much less prep steps.  If I was trying to do that I would forget half the ingredients.  Ask my mom about the time I accidentally made chocolate chip biscuits for a school party instead of cookies (I somehow mixed up the baking soda {or powder, who knows} and the sugar measurement).  But I do enjoy cooking, trying new things and making new favorites, so when I find something really delish I'll try to share it.

Two sides we have really enjoyed this summer are zucchini boats and fried green tomatoes (hence the title quote from namesake movie.)  The zucchini boats I found off the website Proud Italian Cook.  I'm not going to take her picture 'cause I don't know all the picture posting etiquette yet and I don't have pics of the ones I've made, but trust me, these are yummy.
Zucchini Boats:

• Cut your zucchinis or squashes in half lengthwise.
• Scoop out the middle seed part with a melon baller (I think you are supposed to chop up the middles and put them back in, but I steam the little squash balls for my Squish to eat.  She can't get enough of them) or a spoon would work too.
• Brush with mixture of crushed garlic, olive oil, salt and pepper. (Uh, I supposed you want measurements, but I don't have them, just go with it).
• Arrange halved grape tomatoes in the groove, sprinkle with breadcrumbs (I always use panko), place in baking dish and bake in a 350 degree oven for 30 minutes or so.  
• Remove and place a delicious cheese (the recipe recommends fontina or mozz) in between the tomatoes.
• Put back in the oven and broil 'til bubbly.  
• The recipe says to drizzle with more olive oil and parm when you take it out, but I never do.
• My delicious alterations - I put diced mushrooms in the zucchini bed before I put the tomatoes in or some caramelized onions.  So good!

Last night I made the best fried green tomatoes I have ever eaten.   And I have even been to southern-style restaurants in Charleston, SC before.  I have three super-secret Sara tricks, most of which I did not come up with, but I will take credit for them.  Wait, I even have crappy cell phone pics of these!

Recipe basics taken from Allrecipes before I added my Saratrix.  This is good for four good-sized tomatoes.
FGT:

• Slice green tomatoes 1/2 inch thick, discard the ends.
• Lay tomato slices on plate and sprinkle lightly with salt to dry them out a bit.
• Set up coating stations. Station 1) Recipe calls for plate of flour (1 cup) but here is my first Saratrix.  I use dry pancake mix* instead of flour.  Coats so well and fries up crispy.  Station 2) 2 eggs and 1/2c of milk whisked together.  Station 3) Recipe calls for 1/2 cup of cornmeal and 1/2 cup of breadcrumbs but Saratrix #2 is to use 1 cup of panko** instead (I'm going to have to trademark Saratrix aren't I?) (I put panko in everything, love it!), plus 2 teaspoons of coarse sea salt and 1/4 tsp of black pepper.
• Coat tomato slices in pancake mix, then dip in egg/milk mixture, then dredge through panko.  Bonus Saratrix - Do all of the slices in pancake mix first, then one by one through egg then panko.  That way your fingers don't get all munked up.  Well, not as much.
• Pour 1/2 inch or so vegetable oil in pan (canola is probably ok.  Ahh, who am I kidding, I don't know anything about oils.  Use whatever you want).  Heat over medium heat.  Place tomatoes in pan in batches depending on size of pan.  Don't crowd them, they shouldn't touch!  When tomatoes are brown flip to other side (I use tongs to flip).  Last night it was about four minutes per side.  When both sides are brown drain on paper towel.

• Saratrix #3, serve with a dollop of orange marmalade***.  So stinkin' good!

Ok, if you make any of these let me know what you did.  All of my cooking is definitely a work in progress, so tips are appreciated!

*Thanks to husband's co-worker for this tip!
** Thanks to South Carolinian transplant friend for panko tip!
***Came up with this one on my own!

Thirty Second Book Reviews

I think I've mentioned I don't usually take time to synthesize plots and characters after I've read a book.  I made it through grad school thanks, this is what I do for enjoyment.  But as a card carrying goodreads member I at least try to record an initial good/bad reaction so I can remember reading the book.  I also get asked for recommendations all the time, so having an idea about the book helps.  That being said, here is my thirty second book reviews for the past two months or so worth of books.  Probable spoiler alert.  Definite SPOILERS.

another piece of my heart - Jane Green - Ok, so I read Jemima J and the lot when I was in my '20s and enjoyed them.  This might be my counseling background, but I rarely enjoy "life journey" books anymore.  All I keep thinking is, for fart's sake, go to a freakin' therapist!  Your life would be much easier.  Also, I can't imagine that they wouldn't push to find out who the father was.  Just sayin'.  My dad wouldn't rest until he had that boy's balls mounted on his mantle.  (We didn't have a mantle.)

Lots of Candles, Plenty of Cake - Anna Quindlan - adored this book!  But can't really remember why.  I checked it out of the library of course, but I want to buy a hard copy to highlight and take notes on and then make my mom do the same, so we can talk about her insights and ruminations on having and raising a family and getting older.  And I never think that about books.  Usually I'm one and done except for a few favorites.

And, not to bore you, but the rest of my reading time was taken up by the first four books of the Song of Fire and Ice series (Game of Thrones) by George R.R. Martin.  I'm not a newbie to the fantasy genre.  I read The Hobbit in the eighth grade (although I don't think I've read the rest of LotR), and I've made it through nine or so books in Jordan's Wheel of Time series.  Usually these are books I read so I can have conversations about them with my husband.  Plus I have watched the first two seasons on HBO (which I love) before starting any of the books (which I almost never do, but was dragged in) Here ya go -

Game of Thrones - Thoroughly enjoyed!  A new take (for me) on the seasons, a little bit of magic.  Interesting characters who are both heroes and villains.  What the what, he is killing main characters?  Crazypants!
A Clash of Kings - loved Tyrion as the hero and Joffrey as an a**hole.  Not as much fun as the first one.  Scared of the smoke vagina monster.
A Storm of Swords - Uhh, this is where I run out of patience in the fantasy genre every.single.time.  The wandering.  For goodness sake people, everyone head to the same city.  The endless wandering drives me batty.  Sad about Robb.
A Feast for Crows - wha??  I understand why half the characters are missing, but I didn't like it.  Thank god I started reading after the next book came out or I would be irate.

Getting to work on the fifth Game of Thrones and the third book in the Spellman series.  A friend turned me onto those and they are fun.  Also a new Jasper Fforde is coming out, so I'm on the (eagerly) waiting list for that at the library.  If you haven't heard of Jasper Fforde, go find him and read something.  Particularly Shades of Grey (NOT the same as Fifty Shade of Grey!).

What are you reading?  What should I add to my list?

Relief Pitcher

A good friend came over this afternoon.  When she walked in, the girls and I both breathed a sigh of relief.  It was almost as if we were all thinking, thank god an adult is here.  Even though the friend had worked a full day and dealt with a commute, she stayed with the girls for an hour while I went to Target to pick up a prescription and wander around and look at things.  It was much needed.  Somehow I managed to FUBAR the nap schedule royally (I know, you organized people have no idea how this happens, but it does to me.  Regularly.) and everyone was a bit of a grump.  Squish is crawling everywhere and has come thisclose to tumbling down some stairs a dozen times.  Bug is majorly testing boundaries.  She "counts" me to time-out regularly (uh, 34 minutes where I can sit by myself and not talk to anyone?  Yes, please!) and for some reason has started hitting my face.  She tackles her sister who is just starting to pull up and wrap her big brain around walking and also whacks her on the head with anything and everything.  Not acceptable.  I started out patient and calm as you please, but by the end of the day I was doing my best not to hit back, use a major yelly voice or just hide in the bathroom.  So an hour of mindless consumerism was much appreciated.  Cheers to good friends and kids who are a thousand times cuter after a peaceful wander through the $1 Spot.

How long does the boundary pushing last?  Will Squish ever manage to balance those big brains over her tiny feet?  What is your fantasy Target shopping list?

Shhh, I'll let you in on my lazy parenting secret

So I think I'm a fairly good parent.  I research upcoming milestones and developmental stages, make plans with my husband to be consistent, buy any gadgets needed.  I try my best to make what I feel are positive decisions for them (these are just OUR decisions, no negativity towards other parenting decisions) which for us involved breastfeeding, no HFCS, attempting on water or milk to drink, making my own baby food, buying what I can organic, etc.  I couldn't get my husband on board with cloth diapering and my babies are late-spring babies and I found babywearing to be just too hot.  But other than that we are fairly crunchy.

**taking off imaginary mom medal**

I let my kids watch TV.  Probably too much TV.  I adore my children and I'm glad that we are able to make it so I can stay home with them, but I don't think stay-at-home parenting is my calling.  So when it gets to be too much for me (coughcougheveryotherhourorso) I turn on the screen.  No one has ever commented here so I'm not superworried about this turning into a minefield of TVBAD comments, but I know, I've read the research and been lectured by our pedi.  Anyway, enough with all of this heated, but boring talk.  Here it is, my little secret...

I put on the show they want to watch.  But I turn the TV volume down really low.  Almost barely audible.  I find this a win-win-win.  I don't have to be blasted by annoying children's show music.  And the kids either have to 1) settle down and watch the show quietly or they can't hear it or 2) they get bored and wander away and use their own little imaginations to play (yes, I know even TV on in the background is bad.  Let it go people).  If they even identify that the sound is too low, I shrug and point at the remote indicating this thing is broken, take what you can get (no lectures on taking responsibility for my decisions either, gah, ya'll are strict!).  If they come and interrupt my bon bon eating diligent cleaning, I tell them their show is on, they can either watch it, or it gets turned off for the day.  Or they can help me clean. 

Other than letting their brains be eaten by the hynotic trash, it seems to be a win all around.  Except maybe I should take Jersey Shore off the watching list.  Just kidding.

Do you have any parenting downfalls?  Do your kids watch TV?  Anyone else think its weird there is some kind of Fresh Beat Band/Yo Gabba Gabba war going on? 

From Inside My Brain - Childhood Edition

These are thoughts I remember having at any certain point in time from thirty years ago until about college.  These aren't memories from stories; I can actually remember them going through my brain.

About age 2.5 - "Start fussing between when the first time Grandma and Papaw say they are leaving and when they put their coats on and they will take me with them to spend the night."

About age 3 - *After watching a McGruff safety commercial while mom was getting ready for work*  "Mommy's purse is just sitting there on the table.  I should lock it in the bathroom so no one steals from her."  *I locked her keys and wallet into a bathroom with a curling iron that was on.  Saying she was pissed off would be stating it mildly.*

About age 4 - "Mommy loves to dust.  I bet if I sprinkle baby powder down this entire flight of stairs she will so excited!"

It's a wonder I made it through childhood.

About age 10 - "I wonder how to draw those cool squiggles from the flags in the movies dad is always watching" (swastikas - yikes!  No wonder he reacted so strongly when I asked).

About age 13 - "Watermelon bubble gum is the best tasting thing on earth.  I don't understand why anyone would ever chew boring mint-flavored regular gum." 

About age 16 - "Forrest Gump looks like a terrible movie.  Poor Tom Hanks, he is such a nice guy, but I bet this movie ruins his acting career."

Delinquent

All my stuff.  Diaper box is new.

So I think I mentioned that I went to my hometown a bit ago while my husband was at a conference.  Now that we have a house with adequate storage (hahahaha *deep breath* hahahahaha) an attic we can shove stuff in, I thought it was well past time I get the remainder of my crap out of my parents house.  I brought back one huge tub, three smaller tubs, a few shoe boxes, a trash bag full of decorative bulletin boards still tacked with a million pictures, tickets, etc, a jean backpack (stylin') and a strange satchel, all full of my shit circa 1978-1996.  *Attempting to insert picture for first time* My husband thought by dropping it all in the kitchen it would encourage me to go through it faster before we gently and lovingly place it in the attic.  He was wrong.  It's been a week and two days and its still there, our kitchen is in utter chaos, but I am going through it bit by bit.  I thought a long afternoon would do it, but that certainly hasn't given me enough time to reminisce, cringe, and laughsnort my way through everything.

I remember being a Goody Two Shoes in school, but as I was sorting through paperwork I found that I was clearly mistaken. 

detention slip

speeding ticket

parking ticket

I am particularly indignant about the detention.  I DID NOT misbehave.  I made it through elementary school without ever getting my name on the board, much less checks beside it.  I was in French class and the girl sitting next to me asked me something about an assignment and I was explaining it to her.  I thought I was being a helpful classmate!  The speeding ticket came right after my friend got a new car and we took it for a spin.  I was going 70 in a 55.  O_O  We tried to hide in a neighbor's drive way.  It didn't work.  The parking ticket was the first of many "gifts" I received from the office of parking services at my university.  I think its funny that two of these happened on the preanniversary (can I just make words up?  Yes, apparently I can) of my wedding.

Alright, got to get back to sorting.  I know you can't wait to check out my epic NKOTB collection so have to go get to it and snap some pics of that!

Do you still have stuff at your parents' house?  Were you a high school delinquent? 

YOLO peaches

I've decided I'm going use the word peaches in place of bitches.  I don't have the cleanest mouth, but naughty words are much easier to say real quick then type and look at.  My mother might read this one day.  So go read the title again with that in mind and then I'll try to get to the topic.  Go ahead, I'll wait...

I'm about to go "turn down your crappy music and get off my lawn while you are at it" old person on you.  I have a handful of teenagers (mostly younger relatives) that are on my Facebook as well as a dozen or so young adults.  Now I'm not hip to all of the current lingo these days, but I finally got YOLO and sorry I'm not sorry under my belt (uhh, Skrillex is not some sort of tool? or a newly found type of dinosaur?).  I'm guessing they come from some music that I am too old to be listening to.  And youngins, I get it, I understand, I too lamented the out-dated, misunderstanding mindset of the older generation when I was your age, but apparently they were right because these are wrong and annoying.  YOLO in and of itself is a good concept.  Generations before you have celebrated it as "Carpe Diem," but fine, you are welcome to use different words.  But you are using it to define stupidity.  If you only have a certain amount of time, what you do with that time is more important, not less.  So using limited time as an excuse to do stupid things is, well, a waste of your time.  Because, after all, you only live once.  Not to mention most of the things you are doing while YOLO-ing it out on Facebook may even cut that time shorter.  Go ahead and YOLO some sky diving or other extreme sport if you need an adrenaline rush, but riding on the outside of a moving car, doing an extreme amount of drugs or picking fights with people bigger than you is a sad embodiment of a good concept.  After all, YOLO on your tombstone ain't gonna help much.

As for "sorry I'm not sorry," the millennials doth protest too much, methinks.  S,Ins (ha!  I needed an acronym.  And it spells sins.  How awesome is that?!) practically oozes "I want you to know how much I care about not caring about you, trifling peach."  Why don't you use some of that pretending-not-to-care energy and go YOLO backpacking through another country or running for office or picking up litter or something.  If you care enough to point out how much you don't care you still care too much.  


Right.  Anyone feeling old?  Got any "get off my lawn" stories?  Anyone like YOLO?  Heard anyone over the age of 24 use it sincerely?

Rhetorical Questions - Road Trip Edition

The girls and I went to stay in my hometown for a week while my husband was at a conference.  I'm sure I will have lots of funnies to share with you from that experience, but for now, I leave you with some rhetorical questions about road trips.

1.  Why haven't we built a separate interstate system for big trucks by now?  Go ahead, raise my taxes!
2.  Who in their right mind would give a child a kazoo to play with in a busy restaurant?
3.  Who in their right mind would ask to hold a stranger's baby in the bathroom?
4.  What are the odds that the only ten minutes of the trip that the children are asleep at the same time is when my pee meter is on 9.5 and we have one gallon of gas left?
5.   Dear XM/Sirius 90's on 9 - I lived through 1997 and remember some rockin' hits.  Blackstreet, Biggie, Monica, Jewel, Third Eye Blind, Usher.  So let's lay off the Candle in the Wind, Duncan Sheik, Hanson, Spice Girls, Freaknasty and for god's sake, if I never hear Tubthumping again it will be too soon, ok? 
6.  If you have a kids' menu, you should have a changing station in the bathroom.  Or at least a flat surface that isn't the floor.  Oh wait, those last two weren't questions?  Bite me.

On a slightly related note, Bug's favorite thing to eat at the Cracker Barrel is...the crackers.  Ironic?  Doncha think?

Girl Dad

My three-days-late-pseudo Father's Day post.  Both of our children are girls and for some reason I'm pretty damn sure if we decide to pull the trigger on a third, it will be a girl too.  Before my oldest was born, I had a dream that all of our children would be the same gender.  The first one came out girl-flavored so Team Pink it is!  Although my husband deals with a lot of comments from people assuming he wants some boys, he is just about the best "girl" dad out there. 

He knows how to take care of the girls' hair and can make a pretty respectable range of hairstyles.  Better yet, he lets the girls take a comb, brush and spray bottle and "do" his hair during those harrowing last ten minutes before dinner is ready and everyone is starving.  (It does not matter what time dinner will be ready, everyone is gnaw-an-arm-off-hungry ten minutes before I finish.)  Speaking of hair, he willingly rotor-rooters all of the girl hair out of our shower drains.  Of course "willingly" doesn't mean he doesn't make comments or take pictures and send them to me, but he does it.  He wears hats to their tea parties.  He loves princesses and pirates, gardeners and glitterers.  He tells them they are beautiful and that they are smart.  He bakes with them and cleans with them.  He keeps little girl hair bands on his keyring for hair emergencies.  Apparently being a great girl dad revolves around hair.  He handles bath-time, complete with Carmen Miranda style towel turbans at the end.  He picks out great outfits that defy the boundaries of color and pattern mixing.  I'm pretty sure the best decision I ever made in my life was choosing this man to father my children.  Happy Father's wednesDay!

Un-Pinteresting

First of all, I just let Pinterest suck another hour of my life away.  And I wasn't even pinning fun, new stuff.  I was ORGANIZING my old boards and making all of the titles and descriptions match.  There is so much wrong with that sentence.  First of all, I had a list of four crucial tasks to complete during naptime.  Pinning was not more important than 1) (finding and) Paying bills. 2) Doing another load of laundry. 3) Working for a bit on the party-planning that someone is actually paying me to do.  4) Writing thank you notes for the kids' birthday presents from the party that is oh, going on three weeks ago.  Agggg.  Also, doing some picture organizing, figuring out what the heck we are doing for a Father's Day gift and doing some dinner preparations would have fallen earlier on my list had I been looking at a list when I got sucked in.  Thirdly, I am having some kind of ridiculous existential crisis because I was trying to fill out a description for myself on the pinboard and I CAN'T THINK of one that is not overly cliched or cutesy.  Why do I let you do this to me Pinterest?  We might have to start seeing other people.

What are your time sucks?  Do you find Pinterest useful?  Am I the only unorganized OCD person on the planet?

Passive Aggressive

Dear Craigslister,
I am understanding now, by your third email, that you do not appreciate the way I have priced my item. You see, sir, that is the beauty of Craigslist.  This is currently my possession and I can price it the way I want.  You can choose not to buy it.  You can choose to get in contact with me, suggestion negotiations and make an offer.  You can also choose to send multiple emails that progress from sarcasm to ridiculousness to anger.  And again, it is my turn to choose.  I choose not to respond or reply to you at all so that you have no further way to contact me.  Had you made choice number two, I may have gladly negotiated with you, maybe even down to the sixth of the price that you offered.  Since I know that 1) my item is priced fairly competitively and 2) there are other similar items available in the same area, I'm guessing that your can't find anything in your price range and perhaps you should meditate on the old adage, you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar.  Or something to that effect.
Sincerely,
I Started Craigslisting at Night, But Not Last Night

Dear Local Library,
I love you. And your summer programming.  However, the hoops that I had to jump through yesterday to go see a speaker was crazy bordering on absurd.  There was a line (had to arrive one hour before show) to wait in a line to get tickets (available half hour before show) to wait in a line (for half hour) to mass stampede the conference room to SRO crowd for a kids program.  Plus keeping the kids relatively quiet and well-behaved for over an hour while the non-parent patrons glared on was incredibly frustrating.  Also, I know the point of the library programming is free programming, but having half a dozen preschools and summer camps hog all of the spaces is craziness.  A few chaperones minding 15 to 20 kids in a group of 200+ kids is madness.  Surely there has got to be a better way?
Sincerely,
Taxpaying Parent Library Patron

Dear NBC,
American Ninja Warrior?  Have you completely given up on summer programming?
Sincerely,
Former Loyal NBC watcher

Any passive aggressiveness you need to get out?  Unleash it!

Lunchtime

Just finished eating lunch hiding in the kitchen hunched over the counter so the kids didn't see me eating delicious dinner left-overs whilst they were eating regular kid lunchfare so I didn't have to share wait no one else does this?  Oh, me either then.

Fifty Shades of Red, Part II

I am, or was, a voracious reader. In the years post-college, but pre-kids, I regularly made it through 100 books or more a year.  Even after the kids were born I had plenty of reading time during feeding sessions and made pretty good use of it.  What brought all that to a grinding halt you ask?  A phone.  Yep, that's right, my smart phone is making me dumber.  Instead of staying up late trying to power through a few more chapters, I am busy trying to scribble a new Draw Something or puzzle out a triple word score in Words with Friends.  I've been paring those silly (but enjoyable!) games down to the people I really enjoy playing with, but it is still taking me a bit to get back to my books.

So I read almost everything, especially at someone's recommendation.  Probably my main bread and butter is current fiction, but I also read quite a few biographies/autobiographies, historical fiction, a few mysteries, a little bit of sci-fi, a tiny bit of YA.  I don't know what the genre is called, but lately I've been reading a lot of those books about where our tomatoes/olive oil/bread comes from or the history of cadavers or whatever.  Those are fun, especially for trivia nerds.  I've never really gotten into true crime novels and I haven't read romance novels in decades.

Until recently, I never even knew there was a whole genre of books I wasn't reading - risque/erotica.  So when the book Fifty Shades of Grey hit the lists/blogs/news, I was a little surprised.  I am not usually the last person to hear about a book trend, by the time people are talking about books normally I've checked it out, read it and a year has passed.  When my sister-in-law asked if I had read the book a few months ago, I thought she was referencing the book Shades of Grey, by Jasper Fforde (which is frickin' fantastic by the way, love that author!).  I said yes and SIL gives me a knowing smile then starts talking about bondage.  WTH?  I had no idea what was going on, so I just nodded along.  Later I did a library search and realized I was clueless.

Haha, after three paragraphs I will tell you that my book reviews rarely have to do with the books.  I don't mind having the conversation with people, but I rarely take the time to analyze the plot and characters.  I just jump right into the next book.  But here goes a few tiny thoughts.  Putting aside the BDSM (uhh, I still don't know what that stands for) part of FSoG because I don't have any other experience with the genre, I thought the writing was awful.  It was cliched and inconsistent. The main character of Anastasia was at some times a smart and composed young woman and at others a whiny, immature teenager.  And the suspension of disbelief required to believe that Christian Grey would act like he did in the book is too great.

That being said a couple of people asked if I would recommend they skip this book.  I almost never do that.  I almost always think a book is worth reading, even to figure out if you don't like the author/topic/writing and to make you think.  The only time I hesitate is when I know someone only has the time to get through a few books a year.  Then I don't want to feel like I've recommended their spare reading time be spent on crap.  Will I read the two sequels?  I don't know yet, but if I do, it will probably be in e-book form ;)

What are your thoughts on reading/bondage/Fifty Shades of Grey?  Any must-read books for me to look into?

One.

My beautiful baby, Squish, is one today.  I've been doing that parent thing where I think back to exactly what I was doing a year ago, up until she was born at 3:38 p.m.  We have had such a sunny and fun first year.  It's amazing how much more relaxed I was with the second.  Even in just two years though, baby contraptions and raising ideas have changed.  Squish is just gorgeous, all incredibly soft skin and rosy cheeks.  She still has tiny feet with delectable toes.  Her hair is super-soft, but it is also very thick in the back - I think it might be a different texture than her sisters.  She murmurs mama and dada, but I don't think she knows them yet.  She makes noises that my mom and I can her pterodactyl noises.  Sometimes she will look at me and seem to repeat a word I just said, but surely that can't be.  She tries all foods, but at various times has rejected bananas and kiwis.  She loves cheese, crackers, strawberries, carrots, squash, eggs, pasta and many, many other foods.  She ADORES her big sister  - when they first get up in the morning they shriek at each other.  I don't know what they are saying, but they are clearly having a conversation.  Her face lights up when she sees her daddy and she loves to roll around on the floor with him and when he tosses her in the air.  She likes to chew on bath toys and stack blocks.  She isn't moving much yet, but when she wants something she finds a way to get to it.  She, like her sister, isn't much of a snuggler once they gained head control.  But every once in a while she'll nuzzle in and it is the sweetest.  She smells like sweetness all the time - strawberries mostly.  Probably because a chunk is caught in her neck folds.  She has this crazy method of getting around.  A combination of roll-sit-flinging that is terrifying and hilarious at the same time.  I am deeply, madly in love!  Happy Birthday my sweet Junebug!

Fifty Shades of Red, Part I

Inappropriate places I tried to read Fifty Shades of Grey:
1.  On the treadmill at the gym (not in Kindle form).
2.  On the bench at the playground right next to my house.
3.  On a blanket in my back yard with my daughters playing in the pool and splashing me (and the book) (library book) with water.
4.  Anywhere after my mom came to visit and I let her read it first.

Blushing.
Read it?  Thoughts?

And then one day at the library my pants fell off

While we are talking numbers (see Six Seconds post) (Obvs I don't know how to make linky-s yet) I will share something personal that I probably won't talk about again.  I am absurdly proud of the fact that since I had Squish last year, I have lost 43 pounds.  Somewhere between 15 - 20 of that was my pregnancy weight.  Unfortunately another 20 of that was Bug's pregnancy weight.  So I'm down three pounds below my pre-any-pregnancy weight.  Hurrah!  Wait, that doesn't sound so exciting.  And that is, unfortunately, still 20 pounds over my wedding weight. But we are getting there.

Seriously though, it feels really amazing to weigh 40 pounds less.  I started working out in October and even though my docs tell me that weight loss is 90% food intake and 10% exercising, I know that my weight loss has been greatly affected by my working out.  I am uber-appreciative of the BHitW for helping me make it a priority to get to the gym.  As for food choices, I have been making small changes every few weeks.  I cut out soda (again) (except when I am eating Mexican and there is real Coke with real sugar - then its a small treat) around the first of the year and I really started dropping a few pounds.  Then I kicked my chocolate-covered raisin habit and my peanut butter filled pretzel habit.  Next up - my "sauce" habit.  I am a sauce-er - honey mustard, BBQ, ketchup.  I know this is just gratuitous calories, so I'm trying to cut back.  My husband does not sauce or dressing anything.  I am jealous of his restraint. 

Farther down on the list is my coffee creamer habit.  I know its bad.  I don't know what all chemicals are in there that make my coffee taste that sweet Italian cream deliciousness, but its going to be really hard to quit.  Plus, a cup of coffee in the morning and an iced coffee in the afternoon are my coping-with-crazy-kids mechanism.  So we shall see.  Anyway, my doc has told me that Weight Watchers is the only way that she knows of, short of surgery, for large amount, long-term, sustainable weight loss.  I am not anti-WW, but the idea of counting and keeping track of things gives me hives.  But if I stall out, which I am sort of at that point, then I will reevaluate.

So, to the juicy part.  None of my yoga pants are really staying up anymore.  Which, as a result of weight loss is ok, but really I don't have the funds to go out and replenish my yoga pants stash.  So Bug and I were at the library a few weekends ago when it started storming.  We park at the gym, go work out, and then walk over to the library and then back to our car.  I stuffed as many of the books as I could under my shirt, grabbed Bug's hand and started running for the five minute jaunt back to our car.  The weight of my water-logged yoga pants was too much for my shrinking waist and floop! my pants were on the ground.  Underpants in full visibility.  Right in front of a library window, where everyone was gathered to watch the storm.  Sigh.  No, I did not wake up from a dream at this point (this isn't the last episode of Roseanne!).  Yes, it is possible to be mortally embarrassed over the of thirty.

Anyone else accomplishing some goals lately?  Anyone have some reliable links re: the horrible-ness of coffee creamers?  Anyone else show a bunch of strangers their underpants?  Anyone ready to spill their most embarrassing moment?

Six seconds

We live in an area where commutes are the norm.  The BHitW does his part by commuting usually over an hour each way to his job.  In a different state.  I, like any dutiful spouse, am always worried about him when he is away from the house.  For some reason, I get particularly upset at the idea that he might have an accident in the morning and I wouldn't know until he just didn't show up that night (what, I never claimed I was a rational thinker).  So now he texts me when he gets to work in the morning to put my mind at ease (of course those mornings he forgets are a little stressful).  And he calls when he is leaving work to let me know he is on his way (these are the craziest hours of my day, the kids seem to know there is a count-down to how long they can act like feral monkeys) (wait, are all monkeys feral?).  Anyway, most days, by the time he calls in the afternoons, my phone battery has died and the phone is either in a different room charging or I couldn't hear it ringing over the monkey noises.  So then, logically, he leaves me voicemail.  I noticed one day that every I'm-on-my-way-home voicemail from him lasts exactly six seconds.  I could see three months of coming home calls and every single one was six seconds long.  This is how long it takes him to say, "Hi, its whatevertime, I'm on my way home, love you."  I find this hysterical.  He is nothing if not consistent.  Last week, I looked at my phone and noticed a missed call and a voicemail from him.  That was eight seconds long. My heart skipped a beat.  Was there some sort of nuclear disaster in the city?  Was he in an accident?  Was he being hijacked?  Have secret codes to tell me?  Nope, just a little extra love that day.  Shew.

Share a horrible commuting story? How about one about feral monkeys? Love messages from your spouse?

Braindump

Alright, sorry for the pause there.  Haha, no one is reading this (yet?), so it doesn't really matter.  But fake it 'til ya make it right?  Anyway, my mom was here and birthday party and yadda yadda.  When we had Squish, we started refinishing a room in our basement to use as a guest room.  In the past two weeks (yes, Squish is almost one, shut up) we finally got Squish in the nursery, Bug in her big girl room and the guest room moved downstairs.  It was really nice for everyone to have their own space.  My mom is really freaking amazing - she is great with the kids, she can cook, but is ok with being cooked for/doesn't demand meals/certain foods, she does loads of laundry, she takes the kids out, she babysits.  It is really nice having her around.  I am not a naturally schedule-oriented person (all the people who have ever worked with me in the past and are finding this are now spitting coffee out of their nose at that understatement) so even though it is helpful and of course you get used to it, just keeping the kids on a regular daily schedule is something that takes a lot of brain energy for me.  So having someone else around who steps in on that part (and clears the sink) (and rounds up baby socks and discarding hoodies and washes them) is immensely helpful.

So with all of that extra brain energy, here are things that got accomplished while she was here - threw (kick-ass) pirate birthday party, did some quality Marshall's and Costco shopping, came up with next great children's book idea, tested guest room bed and bathroom, got some history about things I have from my grandmother's house, mopped kitchen floor and cleaned up bathrooms, found some delicious cookies, tried (and failed) to show her how to use her Kindle.  Not a bad trip all in all.

Any great children's book ideas?  How about mother or MIL stories? Mid-renovation stories?

Follow-ups

We made less than $100, but more than $75 at the yard sale.  I'll take it.  I learned a lot about pricing and had a great time hanging with the fam and some friends in the front yard.  We kept the jewelry that didn't sell, one toy that I wasn't sure about anyway and the books and DVDs because the library will take those.  The rest went to the Salvation Army.  It is out of the house and although we still have too much stuff, it does feel better in here.  Chalk it up as success!

I worked out and fed people and had about two hours to myself on Mother's Day.  I don't know if I'll get another time to myself, but it was a good day and I enjoyed it, so I'll take that too :)  The BHitW helped the kids make me a picture frame and a mommy's treasure box that were awesome.  We were going to grill out for dinner, but then it rained, so order out it was!

Birthday party is this coming weekend so we are mad crafting this week.  I'll try to post things as they get made, but the memory card on my camera is full so the likelihood of that is slim.  I'll check in anyway.

Want to Bring All the Boys to the Yard. Have No Milkshake.

We are yard sale-ing this weekend.  Our community does a yard sale every spring and we have always missed it, but this year we are in town, so sale-ing it is.  My neighbors looked at me like I was crazy and says no one comes.  Ahh, that would have been nice to know before I started cleaning everything out.  Actually, no.  I have used this yard sale as an excuse to go through every drawer, closet, toy bin, storage box and cabinet in our house.  I hate doing things like that, but I did it.  I am not a cleaner and I'm not the greatest organizer.  I do usually try to keep our main spaces and clothes relatively cleared out (I almost miss moving on a yearly basis in college for this purpose), but as for the other stuff, that is what the backs of closets and cupboards are for. And there is space!  Wonderous, uncluttered space!  Surrounded by piles of crap to clean and price.  I promised my husband that anything that doesn't sell is going straight to the back of his truck and off to the Salvation Army.  So either way, decluttering has been done.  Oh cleaning?  That is a whole a different story!

Have you had a successful yard sale?  What are the tricks?

P.S. - My husband thinks all of the clutter and extra stuff in our house in mine.  So even though he is the BHitW and he doesn't deserve it, I literally crowed a few times when I opened a tub and found his stuff inside (random stuff he has ordered off the internet - how many flying Woot monkeys do we really need?, an old box of high school clothes, etc).  Some of this crap isn't mine, hurrah!

I Want My Cake While I'm Eating It. Or Something Like That.

So I asked (told) my husband that for Mother's Day I wanted him to take both kids somewhere.  That was not in our house.  Not to Home Depot, which is where he usually takes them when I get that look on my face, but somewhere entertaining.  For like five or six hours.  Except I don't want to have to rush around cleaning or doing messy projects while they are gone.  I want to watch my DVR shows and eat junk food without sharing.  And except, here's the kicker, I don't want him to do it on actual Mother's Day.  On Mother's Day I want to be a mom. With the kids.  But to celebrate being a mom, I want to be un-mommed for a bit. My husband (the BHitW) is really wonderful at stepping in, doing anything the girls need and house stuff too.  In general, however, the feeding/schedule-keeping/changing/entertaining falls to me by default.  As a person who would regularly remember to eat breakfast at 3pm (except coffee, a mom's gotta have standards) and who does not naturally keep a schedule, this is draining.  So just a little break from that.  Reasonable request?  Or guilty for asking for two "special days?"

Thanksgiving

I was wondering why Squish smelled like Thanksgiving this afternoon.  What a strange smell for a baby to have.  I sniffed her hair and her toes and lastly in her diaper area wondering if something bad had happened.  I didn't know if there was a Thanksgiving-smell disease like there is a maple syrup urine disease.  I mean, she is a little turkey!  I finally realized that she had pumpkin for lunch and Bug was sneaking her cinnamon graham cracker-thingies that she got for her birthday.  Pumpkin + cinnamon + graham cracker = Thanksgiving :)  And I don't even eat pumpkin pie!  Wonder if I could hire her out to smell like fresh baked cookies at realtor's open houses?

Inch by Inch

My daughter got a pair of shoes for Christmas that she loves.  I checked them a week or so ago to make sure they still fit.  Because last year we accidentally kept cramming her feet into too small shoes.  They grow out of those suckers fast!  Anyway, there was still space for her toes, so I didn't think anything else about it.  A few days ago my husband commented that Bug needed new socks because her feet were out-growing the ones she was wearing.  The same socks I just bought a month ago.  Next time she put on her red shoes, I checked the toes again and her feet were bulging against the toe of the shoe.  I'm thinking, is it even possible for her feet to grow like an inch a week?!  That is insane!  I immediately starting a hunt for new shoes in the next size, berating myself for letting this happen again. This morning Bug and I were leaving to go to the grocery store.  I picked up the red shoes because they were beside the door.  I put the sole of the shoe against sole of her foot and the shoe was still an inch or two longer than her foot.  What?  I reached in and found a pair of socks stuffed in the toe of each shoe.  Did my husband commit this insanity to combat his frustration that he can never find a pair of socks?  Did Bug do it when she was playing hide and seek with her figurines?  Her shoes still fit, but I can't figure out why her socks don't fit anymore.

Three

Bug turns three today.  Three is so strange.  I remember three as being my best year of childhood.  It was just so much damn fun.  I hope Bug feels that way about her third year.  She says and does some really adorable things. She calls eyebrows, eyebrellas.  She calls knives, sharks (because they can bite 'cha!).  She says "Shiver me timbers!" and "Ahoy mateys!" and "Kiss my grits!" and "Exsqueeze me please" when we pass someone in the aisle of a store. She says, "Happy 'scuse me" instead of "May I be excused" when she is done with dinner.  She knows all of the numbers in our address, but not in the right order.  She will tell you today she is "free years old."  She learned about Band-Aids and tape in the same week and now thinks mommy can fix anything.  Staples and glue are going to blow her mind.  She is so brave outside with the other kids if she falls down or gets hurt, but inside, a too-sharp tone can bring on the tears.  When she cries, she asks for a tissue, blows her nose, then throws the tissue away.  Everything isn't all better, but close.  She loves to eat M&Ms, mandarin oranges, pizza, pepperoni (but not on her pizza), and her daddy's bread, waffles and scones, but not his blueberry muffins.  But just plain blueberries, she can eat two pints a week or more.  She is my oxygen, my young pair of eyes.  I love that little girl so much it hurts some days.  Happy day sweet Bug.  Enjoy your purple door!

Scratch This

Squish's nose, chin, forehead and cheeks are covered with scratches.  I trimmed her nails earlier this week, so they are short and I checked them for sharp edges and there are none.  So, I am forced to conclude one of four possible causes:
1.  She turns into a tiny Wolverine in her crib at night.
2.  She has smuggled razor blades into her stuffed animals.
3.  She is getting scratched by the invisible cat that we do not own.
4.  She is utilizing her crazy baby flexibility and scratching her face with her toenails.

Any hypotheses?

Why watching Doomsday Preppers is a bad idea

First, a random for you.  When my blog loads (remember, I am VERY NEW at this) the title text pops up in Comic Sans before it switches to whatever the name is of the other font I picked.  I always feel a wave of nausea and my heart race for a second.  I am not a Comic Sans fan and would never choose it, so this makes me sad.

Ok, on to other topics.  Has anyone seen the show Doomsday Preppers?  My husband just started putting it on the DVR and I occasionally watch it with him.  I've also seen a few episodes of Extreme Couponing.  Here is my issue.  I am not-so-good in stressful situations.  I mean, I can handle a burst pipe, or running out of diapers, or even calling 911 and starting CPR if someone falls down clutching their chest.  But continually struggling for food, water, safety, sleep, etc would not be something I was good at.  So, as morbid as this sounds, if an apocalyptic event happens, I kinda hope I am in the first wave of people who don't make it.  My husband could make it.  At least for awhile.  So he just keeps putting in requests to buy weaponry, which I refuse with small children in the house.  My other problem with DP and ExCou (haha, just made that up) is that we have suddenly, with two small children, starting going through multiple gallons of milk in a week.  So now I have this urge to keep an unopened gallon in the fridge at all times.  And if I crack open my back-up gallon, all I can think of is, "when is the next time I can get to the grocery store?" or "is it worth another twenty minutes of this afternoon-time-waiting-for-daddy-crazy-child-wrangling to send him to the store before he comes home from work?"  I don't know what I think is going to happen if we actually run out of milk. It is now seeping into other areas.  Toothpaste.  Dental floss.  Peanut butter pretzels.  Logical, I am not.

How long would you survive in a zombie attack?  Do you run out of milk on a weekly basis?  Have you ever bought 40 bottles of hot sauce?

Intro, finally.

So I'm a thirty-something SAHM (not necessarily by choice) to two little girls.  I haven't thought my way through all of the internet blogging security issues, so I will call them Bug (almost three) and Squish (almost one) here.  Bug because she used to curl up like a little bug against me when she was tiny.  I was trying to reserve that nickname for her.  My heart broke a little bit when Squish was born on the first day of June and the doctor goes, "oh, you have a little junebug."  Squish is, well squishy.  Her sister had some adorable baby chub, but Squish is covered with arm rolls and tummy packs and some of the best baby thigh chub you've ever seen.  It was a surprise to me and Squish she became.  I love it.

I have The Best Husband in the World.  He is thoughtful, kind, and smart.  He knows where to scratch my back when it itches.  He bakes and cooks, gardens and cleans (some).  He lets the girls do his hair and comes to our tea parties.  Sometimes with a big hat on.  He is scared of craft time and glitter (that may be related to my aforementioned non-love of cleaning).  He cleans all of our girl hair out of the drains in our bathroom (but he makes me share a bathroom with the girls, so he has a man-bathroom), he makes homemade ice cream, he eats strange meals I make with little complaint.  He also makes fun of me when I get lost within three blocks of our house and deliberately brings up controversial topics on long road trips so I'll stay awake and argue with him.  He still pretty much rocks.


I'm sure I'll end up sharing more.  Maybe one day I'll even share a link to this blog somewhere so I'll get some readers.  Or not :)

Lofty Goals

Some mornings I try to think through or make a list of what I want to accomplish that day.  Today that list is - be awake when my kids are awake.  Be asleep when they aren't.  Fin.

Dirty Confession

I'm a little nervous to use that as a post title now because I'm sure there are many things I could confess.  So there maybe be sequels.  Also, I don't want a bunch of crazy pervs to start following me.

It's my favorite time of the year - birthday party planning!  When it comes to birthdays, I'm one of those moms.  Well, not one of those those moms, I don't do $10,000 birthdays or anything - no hired bands or horses or renting out amusement parks.  I do, however, enjoy planning and having my kids' birthdays.  There seems to be a backlash lately over "Pinterest" moms and going overboard with kids activities and crafts.  I get it.  I guess some people might use it as some ammo in some invented mompetition.  I don't feel that way, its just something I enjoy doing.  A friend of mine enjoys keeping a clean house for her family.  I don't.  Sure, when she talks about her house I get a bit envious and maybe I snark for a second in my head.  I am sure my time would be better spent dusting, instead of trying to turn empty toilet paper rolls into a pirate.  I, however, enjoy this as an outlet for creativity though and as long as I'm not hurting anything (except for maybe our monthly budget) I'll keep on keepin' on.  And when my friend talks about mopping her floors two times a day to get all the Cheerios up, well, I try not to let that make me feel bad.

So there might be some party planning talk here.  And if I post any pictures you will probably see my dusty TV and Cheerio-encrusted floor in the background.  Try not to let that distract you from all the pirate-y goodness!

Terrible Criteria

Well, I planned on writing a little introduction and stuff, but that hasn't happened yet.  I sort through stuff in my head first before I write and usually I never get around to writing down in person.  I have essays in my brain though!  (Seriously, I can remember several pages of an essay I wrote on Walden from high school.)  (But I can't remember where I put the thermometer and medicine after the last child was sick, much to my husband's dismay).

As of right this second, I have 1,411 photos on my phone.  Mostly of my children.  Some of flowers and plants (Bug and I are doing a plant growing experiment).  Over one thousand photos.  My old phone only held 100, so I was pretty picky about taking photos, but now I just snap away.  I'm sure its not the greatest number of photos anyone has on their phone (or of their kids), but that's still crazy to me.  And that doesn't count the photos I have on either of the other two cameras we have.  I have maybe 200 or so of my phone photos backed up.  Gotta get on that.

I started Instagramming last week and after taking some cute photos of my Squish yesterday I wanted to Instagram one last night.  I started to go through my snaps and there were THIRTY SEVEN pictures of perhaps five minutes of time we were hanging out on my bed.  Over half of them are blurry.  While figuring out which ones to delete I realized what my photo deletion criteria is.  It is NOT whether I have ten shots with miniscule differences.  It is NOT, is this shot blurry?  My criteria is, if I were abducted and these were the last pictures I ever had to look at of my children until my phone battery died, would I want to look at this picture.  And the answer is always yes.  That is TERRIBLE criteria!  That is how you end up with fourteen hundred (mostly blurry) pictures on your phone that is less than a year old.  And who abducts a yoga-pantsed, pony-tailed mom anyway?  AND and, I should be using that phone battery to call for help!

How many pictures do you have on your phone?  How do you decide which ones to keep?  What would you do if you were abducted?

Jumping in the Pool

Why blogging?  Why now?
Everyone I know (like all three people!) keep telling me to blog.  I've been reading blogs for a few years now and always think in blog posts anyway.  And unlike my husband, you can stop reading/listening at any point.  Shew, that ups the pressure to be witty, funny and relevant.  Now?  Because for once both kids are sleeping at the same time :)  I started, probably like many girls women (wait, we're in charge?  hide yo' children, hide yo' snacks!) my age, on wedding boards and have since moved not-very-far to mommy-blogs, kids activities, recipes, home design, book reviews and a few political/news-type writings.

Why Parenthetical Sara?
Well, most of my usual suspects of web names were used up (sarabean).  Mostly by people who posted one post back in 2005 (I know, I know, I'm late to this game) grrrr, smash, sigh.  So after months of trying to find the perfectly creative name that no one had taken yet (Smorgasblog I'm looking at you) I started punching in random things that I could literally see from where I was sitting.  And that is how I am sad to report that emptytoiletroll.blogspot.com and leghair.blogspot.com are both taken (no judging!) (no, my laptop wasn't in the bathroom, I totally have an empty toilet paper roll on my table) (no comment on the leg hair, it was winter-time when I was doing this!).  Then, as a last resort, I tried introspection.  Little Miss Bossy?  Waiting for Naptime?  The Indoor Girl Scout (that one I actually created, but stalled on). Uhh, no go.  So then I landed on my annoying habit of sending very long emails or telling long stories with little reward at the end (then I found $20!).  Mostly because I type a sentence or tell a part and then want to make sure my receiver hasn't missed any backstory, nuance, tangent, aside, feeling or random thought.  And out come the parentheses.  Much to the dismay of the amateur grammarian in me, I've sometimes found that what comes between the ( ) is often longer than my original thought.

What kind of blog is this?
Probably another mommyblog.  Some quarter-life one-third life crisis.  Maybe some recipes or book reviews.  Probably some creative or crafty ideas.  Sometimes I have random thoughts about news stories or injustices.  I can tell you that there won't be any beautiful photography because I am not good at it, nor do I have the time or patience for it (but I can understand why you do!  It's fun!  And beautiful!  I get it, I just can't get into it).  I hope you'll join me anyway.

Crystal Ball
I hope to post regularly and not wait another three months.  Or three years.  I hope that people will find this and enjoy my random thoughts and musings and share their random thoughts and musings.  Even thought I can occasionally be sarcastic or snarky, I would like this to be a nice, comfy place (be kind), supportive (although I do plan to write about one mommy judgement I can't let go of), resourceful, humorous (you might have to do that part, the only thing I do that is funny is fall down).  So here it is, please join me.